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| I find myself wondering if I made the right decisions. Sometimes I questions what my happiness amounts to. Is truly a deep connection I've found that I could make with another person, or is it just having someone there? Is it having the nicest things? I couldn't tell you if I was truly happy because I've never been completely happy. People search their whole lives looking for that one true feeling, an ever lasting happiness to last till their last days. But where does it come from? Is it in life? Is it in work? Our "lives" are separated from our "work," but life is is work. I have worked so hard for what? To live a better life? I suppose. I suppose we all have a path to our own true happiness, and it's up to us to discover it. So now, I wonder if I'm on the right path. Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? It seems as though my path is leading me towards a very distinct future. I have so many doors open to me, but frankly "there's only one door and I'm being pushed through it." There's nothing wrong with it. It's for the best, but is it the life I want? Last year, I was so set in my ways determined to achieve one goal. And to my surprise, it took a year for me to attain it && at the cost of myself. I lost it. I absolutely lost it. It's a whirlwind of emotions. At which the very thought of it, brings tears to my eyes and makes the butterflies flutter in my stomach, a dark cloud hovers over my head, and I feel my appetite slip away, my hands begin to shake, and what? Nothing. It's nothing. There's nothing. There is nothing. Nothing is there to instigate these feelings, except for myself. I am truly my own worst enemy. I stay awake at night, thinking about the day that I had. Nothing special, nothing exciting... At the ripe old age of nineteen, on the cusp of my first birthday away from my teen years. Am I even an adult? Technically no longer a teen by the end of August 13, because on August 14 I will no longer be that. It's time for a change. But what kind? What kind? I guess I'll know when it comes to me. | |
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| I'm sorry for being so overdramatic. I'm sorry for making it seem like I don't try. I'm sorry I'll go out of my way to pay for things even though I'm the girl and you should pay. I'm sorry that sometimes I wish you'd open the door for me. I'm sorry that instead of buying myself something, I'll buy you something. I'm sorry that it seems like money is the only thing in the world. I'm sorry you fucked things up. I'm sorry you wanted to be Rico Suave. I'm sorry things just don't fucking work out the way you want. I'm sorry you have to fucking drive here. I'm sorry that you drove that fucking slut around fucking hollywood and downtown la and didn't say shit. I'm sorry that maybe we're just two different people. I'm sorry, I'm trying. I really am. I'm sorry my best isn't fucking good enough. && Well, what the fuck do you want me to do?! I'm not calm. I'm not patient. I don't fucking have everything, but I don't need everything. That's not me. I am who I am, and it is what it is. But really, what is it? What do you fucking want from me? You messed this up. I'm trying to make it work. And even though it's not working the way you want it to doesn't mean there's no progress. GOD, show me a sign because I'm reaching my breaking point. It's days like this that make me think it is not even worth it. I don't want to quit because it's too hard, but you're making that seem really good right about now.
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| I need proof now. I need you to show me because I don't really believe what you tell me. I miss this. I miss what we used to have. I feel like we're forcing it. I feel like I'm forcing it. I wanted all of this so badly, that I've already forgotten what it felt like in the beginning. I need to know. I want to know. But I guess that's what has gotten me where I am today. I need to know too much. That's my problem. I can't just let things happen. Something new has come up. Let's try. But don't say "I love you." You don't know what love is. I don't know what love is. Is it that thing that makes you irrational? Does it make you so unselfish that all you think about is the other person? Is it that thing that makes you feel really good and really bad at the same time? A simultaneous longing and fulfillment? It's the rollercoaster butterflies without the rollercoaster? I want to be excited to see you. I want to get dressed up and have awkward conversations with you. Because, I know that the awkward conversations make for the best memories. Because I know that when I do see you, time will fly by like no tomorrow. I want to love you like I used to. A naive love where I trusted you completely, without a doubt in my mind. A love that I would have moved mountains and crossed oceans to get to you. A love that no one could ever come between. A love that could make a hug the best part of the day. I want that. Is that so much to ask? It's a bit overwhelming. I know that. But really, that's what I want. And I'd be thankful to have it. I know that. Before I felt like you validated me, but really that's not true. I know that. I don't need you, but I like having you around.
"Let it go."
It's over already.
"You've won."
Then why does it feel like I've lost?
"She doesn't even care anymore."
Who gives a flying fuck about how she feels?
"I'm sorry."
I'm sorry, too, and in more ways than you will ever know.
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|  Only if we can make this one too. I know, I know. It'll work. We'll make this work. Look! It's a v-neck. V-NECKS BABY. <3ME, clariz. | |
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| At 1:24 a.m. a phone call from someone very expected said the words to that I've been waiting an entire summer to hear, and yet it doesn't seem complete. I thought those words would make it okay, would make me feel more secure. But it doesn't. She's still there, and I still hate her. As of right now, I do not see any type of reconciliation possible. I'm not sorry. I don't need to be sorry. She has no regard for my feelings or how her actions negatively affect me, so why should I care about her? Why should I apologize for making her feel bad, if she's been making me feel horrible for the past four months? I don't see any reason in that. I don't see any reason to do anything short of continue to hate her. But you see, after you said those words I can stop hating her because she doesn't exist anymore. After those words, I'll never have to hear from her or see her ever again. I trust that you are truly a good person, and that after this moment you can adhere to your word. The hard way of finding out, is doing. So here I am doing. Dear God, I hope this is different. I hope this works out.
AMEN.
Peace out whore. Nice knowing you.
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| I just love going to bed crying.
Thanks for being so fucking supportive.
Thanks for showing me I can trust you by defending the whore.
I don't care if you talk to her once a week, once a month, once a year.
You still talk to her.
Which means I'll still hate her.
But no. Just pretend Clariz.
Pretend that it doesn't bother you.
Pretend that you don't care.
Pretend that you even like the whore.
Pretend that you don't feel the way you do.
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| It's a sweaty palm and a slight tremble.
An unnerving feeling.
You want to eat your sorrows, but can't seem to find your appetite.
It's a combination of nausea and hurt.
A certain sadness.
Not a cry at a funeral sadness, but a why does this have control over me sadness.
It's not understanding, but knowing why.
It makes you want to scream and be quiet at the same time.
It's trying to say something, but knowing nothing will do justice to the way you feel.
It's a sudden silence, and all you can hear is your heart beating faster.
You'll second guess all that has happend.
You'll remember everything.
All the wrongs.
All the bads.
All the things you tried to forget.
Yet, it consumes you.
You can't bear to think of anything else.
So all you can do is pretend.
Because no one cares, just you. | |
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| It's a cycle.
Her - You - Me.
Again and again.
Sometimes I have to sit and ask myself, "Why?"
Do we willingly place ourselves in situations we know we shouldn't, and for what?
For the chance of finding true love?
Is it that we find love, or does love find us?
I know what to do and what not to do.
I can say I know the difference between right and wrong, but do I?
I am constantly putting myself in the wrong situation.
I set myself up for disappointment.
Constantly, crying myself to sleep.
And for what? For a boy?!
A boy.
A boy? How pathetic.
In hopes that one day, the boy I like will like me back.
That's completely absurd.
I shouldn't need someone else's love, to know that I am lovable.
It's my dysfunctional way of rationalizing to myself what I need to do.
If I do this, maybe then he'll love me.
WRONG. ALL WRONG. I sound rediculous.
I'm acting irrationally.
And I know in the end,
I'll lose. | |
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| Everything happens for a reason, and everyone has their own agenda.
Trust that everything, in time, will work itself out.
Because at the end of the day, it's your job to keep yourself sane.
But, honestly, I'm not going to lie. I miss it.
I miss someone else keeping me sane.
I liked the butterflies, but who doesn't?
Eh. Stupid shit to not worry about.
It's my birthday soon. YAY ME. | |
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| As summer rapidly closes in, I wonder if I have done much of anything. Summer school is almost over, I'm about to quit my job at the BR, and yet I still feel incomplete. Like, I feel like my summer is incomplete. I honestly don't think I've been doing things the right way. Instead of growing, I've hindered the process. And I'd wish for a sign, but I make too many wishes. And there is nothing I can personally change, so there really isn't much I can do. Show me a sign.
Someone be my sign. | |
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