claraq.

Sometimes

2008-05-28T06:46:59Z

I find myself wondering if I made the right decisions. Sometimes I questions what my happiness amounts to. Is truly a deep connection I've found that I could make with another person, or is it just having someone there? Is it having the nicest things? I couldn't tell you if I was truly happy because I've never been completely happy. People search their whole lives looking for that one true feeling, an ever lasting happiness to last till their last days. But where does it come from? Is it in life? Is it in work? Our "lives" are separated from our "work," but life is is work. I have worked so hard for what? To live a better life? I suppose. I suppose we all have a path to our own true happiness, and it's up to us to discover it. So now, I wonder if I'm on the right path. Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? It seems as though my path is leading me towards a very distinct future. I have so many doors open to me, but frankly "there's only one door and I'm being pushed through it." There's nothing wrong with it. It's for the best, but is it the life I want? Last year, I was so set in my ways determined to achieve one goal. And to my surprise, it took a year for me to attain it && at the cost of myself. I lost it. I absolutely lost it. It's a whirlwind of emotions. At which the very thought of it, brings tears to my eyes and makes the butterflies flutter in my stomach, a dark cloud hovers over my head, and I feel my appetite slip away, my hands begin to shake, and what? Nothing. It's nothing. There's nothing. There is nothing. Nothing is there to instigate these feelings, except for myself. I am truly my own worst enemy. I stay awake at night, thinking about the day that I had. Nothing special, nothing exciting... At the ripe old age of nineteen, on the cusp of my first birthday away from my teen years. Am I even an adult? Technically no longer a teen by the end of August 13, because on August 14 I will no longer be that. It's time for a change. But what kind? What kind? I guess I'll know when it comes to me.

I'm so sorry.

2007-11-30T22:12:41Z

I'm sorry for being so overdramatic. I'm sorry for making it seem like I don't try. I'm sorry I'll go out of my way to pay for things even though I'm the girl and you should pay. I'm sorry that sometimes I wish you'd open the door for me. I'm sorry that instead of buying myself something, I'll buy you something. I'm sorry that it seems like money is the only thing in the world. I'm sorry you fucked things up. I'm sorry you wanted to be Rico Suave. I'm sorry things just don't fucking work out the way you want. I'm sorry you have to fucking drive here. I'm sorry that you drove that fucking slut around fucking hollywood and downtown la and didn't say shit. I'm sorry that maybe we're just two different people. I'm sorry, I'm trying. I really am. I'm sorry my best isn't fucking good enough. && Well, what the fuck do you want me to do?! I'm not calm. I'm not patient. I don't fucking have everything, but I don't need everything. That's not me. I am who I am, and it is what it is. But really, what is it? What do you fucking want from me? You messed this up. I'm trying to make it work. And even though it's not working the way you want it to doesn't mean there's no progress. GOD, show me a sign because I'm reaching my breaking point. It's days like this that make me think it is not even worth it. I don't want to quit because it's too hard, but you're making that seem really good right about now.

I need proof.

2007-11-22T07:05:28Z

I need proof now. I need you to show me because I don't really believe what you tell me. I miss this. I miss what we used to have. I feel like we're forcing it. I feel like I'm forcing it. I wanted all of this so badly, that I've already forgotten what it felt like in the beginning. I need to know. I want to know. But I guess that's what has gotten me where I am today. I need to know too much. That's my problem. I can't just let things happen. Something new has come up. Let's try. But don't say "I love you." You don't know what love is. I don't know what love is. Is it that thing that makes you irrational? Does it make you so unselfish that all you think about is the other person? Is it that thing that makes you feel really good and really bad at the same time? A simultaneous longing and fulfillment? It's the rollercoaster butterflies without the rollercoaster? I want to be excited to see you. I want to get dressed up and have awkward conversations with you. Because, I know that the awkward conversations make for the best memories. Because I know that when I do see you, time will fly by like no tomorrow. I want to love you like I used to. A naive love where I trusted you completely, without a doubt in my mind. A love that I would have moved mountains and crossed oceans to get to you. A love that no one could ever come between. A love that could make a hug the best part of the day. I want that. Is that so much to ask? It's a bit overwhelming. I know that. But really, that's what I want. And I'd be thankful to have it. I know that. Before I felt like you validated me, but really that's not true. I know that. I don't need you, but I like having you around.

"Let it go."
It's over already.
"You've won."
Then why does it feel like I've lost?
"She doesn't even care anymore."
Who gives a flying fuck about how she feels?
"I'm sorry."
I'm sorry, too, and in more ways than you will ever know.

Dear Joleena,

2007-08-31T04:36:59Z

Only if we can make this one too.
I know, I know. It'll work. We'll make this work. Look! It's a v-neck. V-NECKS BABY.
<3ME, clariz.

Please try again.

2007-08-28T20:33:42Z

At 1:24 a.m. a phone call from someone very expected said the words to that I've been waiting an entire summer to hear, and yet it doesn't seem complete. I thought those words would make it okay, would make me feel more secure. But it doesn't. She's still there, and I still hate her. As of right now, I do not see any type of reconciliation possible. I'm not sorry. I don't need to be sorry. She has no regard for my feelings or how her actions negatively affect me, so why should I care about her? Why should I apologize for making her feel bad, if she's been making me feel horrible for the past four months? I don't see any reason in that. I don't see any reason to do anything short of continue to hate her. But you see, after you said those words I can stop hating her because she doesn't exist anymore. After those words, I'll never have to hear from her or see her ever again. I trust that you are truly a good person, and that after this moment you can adhere to your word. The hard way of finding out, is doing. So here I am doing. Dear God, I hope this is different. I hope this works out.

AMEN.

Peace out whore. Nice knowing you.

strike two, asshole.

2007-08-27T05:49:27Z

I just love going to bed crying.
Thanks for being so fucking supportive.
Thanks for showing me I can trust you by defending the whore.
I don't care if you talk to her once a week, once a month, once a year.
You still talk to her.
Which means I'll still hate her.

But no. Just pretend Clariz.
Pretend that it doesn't bother you.
Pretend that you don't care.
Pretend that you even like the whore.
Pretend that you don't feel the way you do.

The feeling of hatred.

2007-08-26T22:40:58Z

It's a sweaty palm and a slight tremble.
An unnerving feeling.
You want to eat your sorrows, but can't seem to find your appetite.
It's a combination of nausea and hurt.
A certain sadness.
Not a cry at a funeral sadness, but a why does this have control over me sadness.
It's not understanding, but knowing why.
It makes you want to scream and be quiet at the same time.
It's trying to say something, but knowing nothing will do justice to the way you feel.
It's a sudden silence, and all you can hear is your heart beating faster.
You'll second guess all that has happend.
You'll remember everything.
All the wrongs.
All the bads.
All the things you tried to forget.
Yet, it consumes you.
You can't bear to think of anything else.

So all you can do is pretend.
Because no one cares, just you.

Strike 1

2007-08-26T09:35:35Z

It's a cycle.
Her - You - Me.
Again and again.
Sometimes I have to sit and ask myself, "Why?"
Do we willingly place ourselves in situations we know we shouldn't, and for what?
For the chance of finding true love?
Is it that we find love, or does love find us?
I know what to do and what not to do.
I can say I know the difference between right and wrong, but do I?
I am constantly putting myself in the wrong situation.
I set myself up for disappointment.
Constantly, crying myself to sleep.
And for what? For a boy?!
A boy.
A boy? How pathetic.
In hopes that one day, the boy I like will like me back.
That's completely absurd.
I shouldn't need someone else's love, to know that I am lovable.
It's my dysfunctional way of rationalizing to myself what I need to do.
If I do this, maybe then he'll love me.
WRONG. ALL WRONG. I sound rediculous.
I'm acting irrationally.
And I know in the end,
I'll lose.

camera__shy @ 2007-08-04T08:55:00

2007-08-04T16:10:59Z

Everything happens for a reason, and everyone has their own agenda.
Trust that everything, in time, will work itself out.
Because at the end of the day, it's your job to keep yourself sane.
But, honestly, I'm not going to lie. I miss it.
I miss someone else keeping me sane.
I liked the butterflies, but who doesn't?
Eh. Stupid shit to not worry about.
It's my birthday soon. YAY ME.

camera__shy @ 2007-07-30T06:53:00

2007-07-30T13:53:57Z

As summer rapidly closes in, I wonder if I have done much of anything. Summer school is almost over, I'm about to quit my job at the BR, and yet I still feel incomplete. Like, I feel like my summer is incomplete. I honestly don't think I've been doing things the right way. Instead of growing, I've hindered the process. And I'd wish for a sign, but I make too many wishes. And there is nothing I can personally change, so there really isn't much I can do. Show me a sign.

Someone be my sign.

MGS!?

2007-07-23T14:03:16Z

Dinner?

WEDNESDAY?!

YES | MAYBE | NO

bitches.

2007-07-20T19:34:50Z

dear meesh,
i love you&your grenade.

sincerely,
clariz

On another note, joleena's leaving today. I get paid today. I'm suffering from emotional conflictions, which means I probably won't deal with them till the end of summer. But, I know I shouldn't complain because I pretty much bring this all on myself. Jo, Ina, and I reunited at tapicoa express. It was cute. This summer is pretty cute. I'm pretty much in love with it. I wish I could marry it so it could be like this forever. Ah, all the late night food runs& sleepovers& Clubthursdays. They're all great. My friends are great.

<333
I second the MG movement.
Let's gooo.
Not it driving, tap tap no battle.

waiting.

2007-07-17T02:40:38Z

How do I explain the feelings I have right now? I'm not going to give my heart away, not this time. It might seem like I am, but I'm trying hard not to. Let's hope you don't trick me again. I hate it. Sometimes I hate you. Not really. I just say that hoping one day I will. So what you do to me won't matter anymore.

Liar. I am such a LIAR.

On a brighter note. I love my bffjo.
MGS we need to reunion like NOW.

camera__shy @ 2007-07-04T11:03:00

2007-07-04T18:03:35Z

I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of you letting me down.
I'm tired of letting myself down.
There's absolutely nothing to be done to fix your fuck up. Way to fucking go. See the funny thing is, you could care fucking less. When your godforsaken princess is sad, that's all you fucking think about. FUCK. Why didn't I see this before? Now, I feel fucking gross.

&& the tears don't seem to stop.

FACTS.

2007-06-25T23:17:30Z

"He's never going to come to your rescue. I don't know why you keeping thinking he will."

Trust.

camera__shy @ 2007-06-22T06:56:00

2007-06-22T14:05:40Z

"Guess I was wrong, but see I'm strong.
Won't take me long for me to move on."

That song has pretty much been on repeat in my car. Lame, I know. Okay, so this weekend should pretty much be amazing. I'm excited to go clubbing with miss elishaaa & mr. ethan. I haven't seen them in ages. I woke up this morning at 6:30am. Yes, very early. I guess I'm still in schoolmode. But that's okay because I've got a lot of things to do today. This is pretty much at bunch of nonsense. That's good, though. No more boystress. It's over. I'm over it. So, today I've got laundry duty, driver duty, looking very cute duty. HAHA. See some of you this weekend. lovessit.

JOLEENA: OPERATION:Picture-Everything IN EFFECT. get it done.

kbye bitches.
peace nasty.

camera__shy @ 2007-06-20T21:37:00

2007-06-21T04:56:53Z

MOVE ON.

Like, now.

Move on, girl.

2007-06-17T03:53:23Z

I've had a lot of time to myself, lately. I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I'm in the process of reevaluating my life. Because at the end of the day, am I really happy with the way things are? Is anyone? It's nice to know who my real friends are. It seems like, I haven't talked to a lot of them in ages. I feel bad, I feel like I'm using them. Only calling on them when I need something, when I need some company. Life threw me a couple curve balls these past few weeks. I guess, I just have to roll with the punches. I mean, I can't really fight what's been going on. I can't help the way I feel, and neither can anyone else. It just sucks.

Keep busy. Everything will work itself out in time.

So when did you fall in love with hip hop?

2007-06-15T15:59:40Z

I guess, I haven't yet.

camera__shy @ 2007-06-10T20:42:00

2007-06-11T03:42:34Z

don't do it.
don't call.

Day One

2007-06-09T07:02:15Z

Stay strong.
No phone calls today.
Keep it up.

This game I play.

2007-06-07T21:04:13Z

It's funny. I was always the person with the advice. I would say, just end it. Don't talk to him. Leave it alone, it's not going to get better. It could only get worse. You don't deserve that. Every girl should be treated like a princess, and never settle for anything else. I see that I am such a hypocrit. It was so easy for me to dish out advice, that I find myself being given now. The only difference now is that I'm not listening to it. And I know I need to. I can't force something. I can't wish on a star. I need to face the music. I need to follow my own advice. Grow up girl. Nip that problem in the bud. It's gone far enough. You've lost a sense of who you are. You don't get jealous. Why? That's so petty. You are way to good to be petty. Don't play that game. Don't believe it'll get better this next time, believe you'll be better without him. Believe you're good on your own. I am. I am? Am I? What a silly question to ask. You shouldn't complete me, you should complement me. Dammmit. Why is it so hard for me to find that. Find the yin to my yang. Find the spiderman to my maryjane. Hahaha corny. Ugh, this will be a good summer. No, this will be a great summer. No stress, well... except for my chem class.

You're better than this. No one deserves this. I just ask for honesty... I should probably start by being honest with myself.

GOD, WHY DO I SOUND LIKE A FREAKING BROKEN RECORD? Lets hope tonight will be fun. 3/4 mgs. :) this should be good.

I am so dumb.

2007-06-07T07:29:14Z

Why do I let myself do this? I hope and wish that maybe this time wil be different. But it never is. It'll never be different because nothing has changed. I always forgive you. Like an idiot I always trust that you mean what you say. I want to be with you. But why? I can't play the fool. But for the past few months, I have been and gladly doing so. I let you walk right over me. Fuck me over, and all I can do is turn away. You gave me so much shit for not trusting you, and yet you have don't nothing to prove me wrong. I should have moved on a long time ago. It's clear your heart is somewhere else. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that no one will love me the way I loved you. It's time to say goodbye to what we had. Because I'm tired of crying. I deserve better. I know that. But the sad thing is, I know I won't do any of what I've said. I'm too weak. Like an idiot, I'll keep coming back. And as much as I try not to, I just can't seem to muster up enough courage to say no. I don't need another boyfriend to make me cry everyday. I've done that, and I should be over it. I do this to myself knowing that it's wrong. One day I'll do it. Walk away from all the drama and into the arms of someone who would give me the world.

One day.

No LJ cut.

2007-05-23T05:17:53Z

I've left black and white in high school. Life has just got a little more colorful. School is going well. I'm on a continual thing of making new friends. My teacher called me Imelda Marcos today. He said I haven't repeated a pair of shoes since summer school started. I guess that's a good thing? He totally touched my foot, well my sneaker. Anyways, I'm a little confused. Maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I just want everything. Having someone, while not. I guess.. I want to be waited on. I want to be pursued. I want. Is that so much to ask? It's probably being selfish, but aren't I allowed to? Isn't that okay? It's not practical. I'm not practical. I'm not patient. I'm definately not passive. I am who I am. And I want to be with someone who accepts me as I am. Is that too much to ask for? I mean, I've never asked you to change, and if you have it's only done on your own accord. Not mine, I didn't ask you to change. I don't want to change. Grow up? Yes. Mature, definately. But change? No. Isn't that a little contradicting Clariz? After speaking with Melissa last night, I realized I stopped telling people my name is Clariz. I'm Clara now. Clara. What is that? I dress up everyday, I wear heels on a daily basis, I don't wait on other people. I do what I like, when I like, and with whomever I like. But I'm holding back. I'm not going next week because I'll be in San Francisco. It just seems like the right thing to do. I'm not trying to prove a point, I'm not trying to get back at anyone. I just think I'll have more fun in SF, and driving back for a day and coming back the following weekend doesn't register as the smartest thing to do. Plus, I'll see the people I need to see when I get there. We have the whole summer, and I have the whole summer to make my absence up to them. I mean, it's not like I'll be arriving empty handed. I figure, SF = gifts. Loves it. Oh well, hate hate hate. I have a lot of hate in me. I need to find someone who can replace it with love. :) With love love love. I'm not perfect, but I am a bitch. HAA. Just kidding. I need a reunion with my MGS.

Okay, once that DAY is over. My life will be okay and once this summer is over, I'll never have to see you ever again. HAHA. God can only bless me with so much.

AHBITCHCAKES.
Okay, loveyounasty.

When's it my turn?

2007-05-10T20:08:44Z

GAH. Summer school sucks. It's so freaking boring. Oh well, thank God there's only four more weeks left. YES. HA. BITCH. I am such a bitch. Whatever, I don't care. I can be whatever I want. So they totally cut my shift today, but I'm not complaining. I work tomorrow and saturday. LAME. Eh, the gap is not as fun as it used to be. Maybe it's time for a new job. Maybe I'll work at a restaurant or something. I wanna play with kids. Maybe I'll take some liberal studies classes and become a kindergarten teacher's aid or something. That would be super fun. I'd love that. I can't wait to go home for the summer. God I hope there are still sections open when I register. Oh well.. here is my life, it's a tad boring at the moment. But it's nice. It's better than dealing with bullshit. I'd definately take bordem over bullshit anyday.